Another Way

Sometimes, doing even the simplest things seem beyond me, getting up, getting going. The worse I think was just pretending like nothing is wrong, like I was okay, because I was too ashamed to show any weakness to afraid how I would be judged how people would perceive me. I think in reflection it was two parts a certain amount of pride, and one part thinking “I am a man, I should be strong, I should not show weakness”. Of course fear of people not accepting how I felt, accusing me of attention seeking always played a big part, and yes still does.

The worse part for me was asking the doctors for help, for advice and being fed these tablets that quite honestly make you ten times worse before you get better, that numb your mind, so you feel like you have no grip on what is around you, like a zombie just existing, no one to talk to professionally because they had taken away that service, too much demand from men, that it was now only available to women (too quote my doctor).  

Have you ever been so low that the only escape the only hope, is knowing what you are about to do will mean no tomorrow, no new dawn, the only escape? The point where you feel (though no fault of there's I hasten to add) that you have been abandoned by those who you thought cared, that loved you. That knowing your death would be unmarked unnoticed, at least that is what you think in your mind.  

Your own self worth and value is so low, the pain as you sink through a bottle of pills the pain in the pit of your stomach knowing the end will bring a bitter sweet relief, that tomorrow will not come, that the only hope you have is it will all go away death will put you to bed, put that peace in your head, the only hope is that this time you have solved it all you have control over it, and it ends now.

You wake up cold confused, a sleep full of dazed dreams, and you know something I still remember every dream that night, the pain in your stomach remembering what has happened, you feel like it is day one unsure what to do. And god let me tell you, I still think every single fucking day (sorry for the swear) I should not be here.  

So why I am writing this? It breaks my heart, makes me sick thinking someone feels the same, I spent months, over a year after this “incident” on forums trying to help people who felt the same, every night not giving up on them, I could not even tell you there names, just screen names on a forum, I doubt deep inside they would remember me, but that isn’t the point, I just had too.

The point I am making and that we have to realise, is that there is always another way, I guess even now I do not trust myself, but know who to trust, and yes I hate to be a burden and to worry those who care, but caring is unconditional, do you not care about those closest? And worry too?

I have had moments of bliss, of hell, I have laughed and cried, I have loved and since I tried to die. But I tell you this I feel alive, good or bad, I am here, I am me, if this is too much do not read. If you want to hurt me, you cannot even touch me as much as I can hurt myself. And I tell you one more thing I will not give up fighting for people who think suicide is the only way out, because we all need a voice, and sometimes we are to weak we need someone there to scream for us. And it is okay, believe me it is more than okay to hurt and to think these thoughts, you just have to remember there is another way out.

There is always hope, I promise you I live by it every day, it is okay to dream because it is and makes us who we are. Remember dreams don’t always come true, but that one time they do, you will never forget. I am not saying I am fixed, I am not saying I am okay, I am just saying I am me, and maybe just maybe that is okay, because I am still breathing.