Heroes

Heroes can sometimes if not all the time end up disappointing us, for me I always found comfort in those tortured souls that end up either dead, or in the papers causing some sort of trouble. It is in the news all the time, Glee, Justin Bieber, Amy Winehouse.

For me I grew up with the unhealthy influences of Kurt Cobain, Richy Edwards (Manic Street Preachers), these artists that sing out to us, in the midst of their own self demise. Hell let’s face it we all thought Pete Docherty would be dead by now right?

It is only in the silver fox moments of my life (yes another greying reference, I am getting over it), that I have to come to realise that the biggest hero, the one I admire the most has only been on this planet for three years.

Her name is Chloe she is my niece, and because of her, because of her unbelievable journey I have someone I can truly admire, and maybe in later years she will realise what she has done for me, maybe it is best if I start from the beginning.

In the midst of all my misery, and turmoil my sister prematurely gave birth to a wee girl, three pounds three ounces. As you can imagine a horrible time in a moment that should be embraced. For three to four months (I forget how long now time is irrelevant), I looked after her other four kids. Suddenly it was not about me, I had to be there.

Yes I cooked, yes I helped with the monsters under the bed, the tantrums, yes I struggled rang for constant advice – How does one get rid of the bogey monster, that bastard has been lurking around since my childhood.

And in all this, this tiny baby, this tiny life, a hand the size of my little finger defied the odds, grew stronger lived breathed, fighting for each moment, when selfishly months before I had wanted no more moments.

She left hospital and despite struggles as you can imagine, is healthy and obsessed with Minnie Mouse, and I cannot look up to her more. Because of her, because of what unfolded in front of me, I grew and am still growing, I am trying to build on the momentum of that moment. Not stuck in time, but stuck in trying to make the most of time.

Of course, yes I struggle we all do, and of course I do not see her enough. But when she is big enough, she will get the biggest thank you from an Uncle so damn proud I cannot even find the words.

Hope comes in the darkest moments, in the strangest forms and ways. Who are we to question the why, and what ifs but embrace that fragile moment that light flickers in the darkest corner of your mind. In that moment things change, and it is only when you reflect back, find time to pause you realise that is the moment things changed, a tiny life, a tiny light and things will never be the same again – this time in a good way.

So when we look around for our hero, maybe we should look closer to home. Look at why we are here still fighting, the inspiration may surprise you like it did me.

The Day I Filled The Dark With Stars

When I was young I could not imagine death of not living, my obsession grew and I lay awake at night imagining nothing, no one really to talk to or explain it all to me. I did not trust those in power because of certain factors I refuse to discuss in a public domain. So I filled this blank dark space with stars, and each star was alive with someone I loved, and slowly as I grew older the stars started to fill up and there was no blank space or stars, and as people filtered into my life only to leave again yet again I fill the black sky thinking of death as I always do, and I see stars and light shining way above me. And the silence you ask? well I simply fill that with music, so much music, sad songs, happy songs, strange songs, noises that fill every sense of your soul, and leaves you thinking, IF I am truly alone, how can someone create something that sings to my soul?

See there is never darkness around you, how could you possibly see the darkness if there was never any light? And tell me this if it is so quiet, if you too are alone with no one to talk too like me, no one to reach out too. Tell me why there is a song in your head soothing your soul, some forgotten gem that drifts into your mind. IF you truly fear the dark why can a stunning sunset draw a tear to your eye, we cannot possible never hurt, or cry, parts of us will die inside, the other parts they will fight for you, there is no tomorrow for any of us nothing in life is certain, but we have today and we have right now, and the ability within that not one of us can measure until it is needed.

The day maybe drawing to a close, you may like me be frustrated by it all, thinking what have I achieved, what have I done, I can answer without asking, you have lived today, you are breathing and that is inspirational in itself.

This was written a while back, but the sentiment remains. There is hope in living, however strained it is there, there are stars to guide you and music to love you, hope can consume you. Maybe Idealistic maybe not, what is certain is you have the here and now, and you will have love, and you will find that place, go gently forward because the past is not something you can change, but the future is yours to shape.

Remember.....

As a human race we hurt people, those we have loved, lost, cherished, even despised. The hardest part for me is realising someone who was once your world has now changed their mind, they dislike you resent who you are, even hearing those words can destroy your hopes and aspirations, how they inspire and spur you on in life.

The worse thing I have heard is not an insult, nor an abusive message just a simple I don’t like who you are, this was from someone who I looked up, loved, and respected who’s opinion meant so much to me, that I have to question whom I am, and what a bad person I must be for them to use those words of me.

It doesn’t matter how long ago they were said, or how my life moves on or not. Those words in an instant destroyed my confidence, filled me with further self-doubt, and set me back. I thrive of other peoples support, maybe that is being dependant but I feel we all do in some ways.

One day I hope to show them they are wrong, but in the darkest corners of my mind, I know quite simply they are right. There is no solution for this no remedy, but do me one favour, those you love and look up to, tell me once in a while, it could mean so much to them and their own battles.

You never know you may hear something in the future, someone saying the same to you. Because in a way the depressed, the one’s who battle the demons, we are the strongest of them all, as we fight every day, just to see a tomorrow, so maybe we don’t believe there is a future, but we are here and trying to make a difference, remember that please.

Just remember who you are, and how far you have come, when those around you are being so hard.

A Lesson Learned in Time

Sometimes you forget who you are you say things that your insecurities let out those tiny tiny voices in your head that nigggle away at you. Those can consume you with doubt, and of course you expect people to react to them how you would. I remember years ago being accused of cheating, somehow with patience and understanding I reassured that person it was utter bullshit. 

Sadly most sadly the same cannot be said for how they react. 

Then the little things get bigger of course they do, I often wonder god taught forgiveness why do I never see anyone religious forgive?

What does all this mean? Well I've lost a lot. My world has crashed in there is only so much one person can take, literally. 

So right now I'll ride that storm of depression one last time and see where it gets me 

Marking Your Passage In Time

We spend countless days questioning our purpose, we mark each week with the weekend, finishing work college or even uni. Friday drinks with friends to celebrate the end of yet another passage of time. The end of the month with payday, or completing that much delayed and rushed at 5 in the morning assignment. Each year that rushes by us with an anniversary of some sort, a birthday, Christmas, or even a birth or a death.

And that belies the issues, so often with depression or a mental illness we can feel disenfranchised from it, marking these events these moments can seem distant, society is moving forward, and we may be stuck on a place or time. Perceptions of the reality we live in so different, that gig, that sports event, that night out do different to us nothing but a distraction - reality slipping into the worlds we have created in our head sometimes a world that is there to keep is safe. 

There is something flawed marking that moments, watching us see time pass us by. Is it because it's too bigger concept for us to envisage as a race? 

To me marking time is like some geeky endeavour oh yes I remember that night 'Radiohead just released Ok Computer' or yeah sure I remember that summer I tried killing myself in the June'. Can moments be marked by memories of personal grief or triumph and not a need to celebrate the passing of our age. 

I turn 30 in August (22 if you must know!), people don't understand when I say I do not care for it. I am accused of being miserable (not true), old (semi true), or weird (definatly true!). The truth of the matter is I have no personal connection to my birthday, my life began three years not 30, it started the moment I survived that second over dose and swore to myself no more I can defeat that. Yet can I celebrate that openly, would the stigma and judgment spoilt that memory? Or do I have to stick with what society perceives to be the norm, stupid jokes about going grey (it's happening people) and having a mid life crisis ( had it at 19 middle of reading festival- well least til the acid wore off). 

I'm not asking for much but if people want to share my birthday of course I feel honoured and privileged to have those good friends, but can they not accept  I would rather remember that moment in time I got strong - I said no more will I wallow in that moment on the edge caught between life looking straight at death. Surely that's a new worthwhile achievement to mark?

One of my favourite things said to me recently which sums up this ramble in one sentance! 

"life feels pointless marked by false holidays you make your own life and your own landmarks" 

Truly truly so accurate

A Reply From Norman Lamb's Office

Please note, this is the letter in reply to my previous note. I am checking their figures as you read this, so far they do NOT add up. Each figure each statistic is a life, is a person, I will in due course respond, but right now it appears they have made these up:

Our ref: DE00000788825 

Dear Mr Matthews,

Thank you for your email of 15 June to Norman Lamb about suicide.  I have been asked to reply.

I was sorry to read of your own experiences of mental health issues, and I appreciate the concerns you raise with regard to promoting suicide prevention.  You may be interested to know that the suicide prevention strategy, ‘Preventing suicide in England’, was published on 10 September 2012 to coincide with World Suicide Prevention Day.  The strategy highlights the importance of targeting people most at risk by providing the right interventions at the right time.

As well as targeting high-risk groups, improving the mental health of the population can play an important role in preventing suicide.  The implementation of the measures set out in ‘No health without mental health’ will build individual and community resilience, promote mental health and wellbeing, and challenge health inequalities where they exist.

Although good progress has been made in reducing the suicide rate in England over the past ten years, ministers are aware that it is important to be vigilant.  Around 4,500 people took their own life in 2011.  The rise in the number of people committing suicide is a cause for concern.  However, the three-year suicide rate has remained at approximately 7.9 deaths per 100,000 since 2005-07.  The 2009-11 rate represents a fall of 15 per cent since 1999-01.

Suicide continues to be a major public health issue, particularly at a time of economic and employment uncertainty.  Effective suicide prevention needs a co-ordinated approach with input from a wide range of partner organisations and sectors.

You may also wish to convey your sentiments about raising awareness of suicide in schools to the Department for Education.  The contact details are:

Department for Education
Castle View House
East Lane
Runcorn
Cheshire
WA7 2GJ

Telephone: 0370 000 2288
Website: https://www.education.gov.uk/help/contactus/dfe

I hope this reply is helpful.

Yours sincerely,

Harry Darnell
Ministerial Correspondence and Public Enquiries
Department of Health

A Letter To Our Goverment

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to you as someone who has not just experienced suicide, but been through the horrifying experience first-hand, luckily surviving. Someone how has helped many people through their darkest thoughts, to see the other side. I am one person but I am 29 and male, did you know that I am more likely to die by suicide then any disease or illness?

That is the shocking fact, I am writing as one voice who is collectively representing a group of us who are asking the simple question ‘what will you our leaders, our government do to educate teens, educate society, and tackle this issue’.

Quite simply the processes in place from education on mental health issues, to our NHS services are not working. When I attempted suicide I was sent from the crisis team to a councillor, who in term informed me the help I needed had been withdrawn for men due to “over demand in the service”. Is this right? Would you shut a school because too many children needed a place?

On average three men die a day from killing themselves, 5% of the population will attempt once in their lifetime, and even more saddening one in six people are affected by a death from suicide. Statistically speaking that means someone in Government has been affected by suicide. Yes, this is a massive issue and one that is buried in society. Let us not mourn another death but take action and fast.

I am pleading to you as someone devoting their life to help others, to improve the education in schools from awareness to better support, to take action. No one should go through what I went through, no one should feel alone, you can make this change, you can take action now by listening to people like me and those I represent, taking our ideas and developing them into policy, and changing the stigma and social awareness of suicide.

What I am asking for:

Better education and processes in school and colleges at a critical time, to highlight depression, and mental wellbeing, including access to peer to peer support groups, and educational programmes that highlight the issue of suicide.

A clear policy to tackle suicide, and offer better support to those who feel alone who feel there is no help, out reach programmes and a better campaign to highlight these issues. Remember suicide does not mean someone is suffering from a mental illness, and this needs to be made clear.

A committee of people, doctors, and patients, that report back to the government strategising policy and reviewing its success, from education to the NHS. This must be made up from not just health care professionals, but those like me, who have experience first hand, and also third hand.

Thank you for reading and I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Sincerely

Richard Matthews

Hurry Up We Are Dreaming (suicide education campaigner) 

The Hard Way

You pause, and take the pictures in your mind, you look back at all that you have done. The crippling pain is unbearable, those who have left, those who have imprinted their mark on your soul. Footprints and echoes of thoughts, was it all worthwhile?

The depression grips you, vice like unrelenting, sure you have been down this road before. But like a self defence mechanism you forget the overwhelming pain, that leaves every breathe you take so painful, wishing to god or anything you may or may not believe in to take it all away.

The worse part is being scared you will live through this, the nervousness in you the sickness to the pit of your stomach you battle through sometimes minute by minute crippled but you don’t have crutches or a wheelchair, people say you look tired. Doing nothing can destroy you, as you sit there all your energy focused on just trying to cope with the pain inside you, for the hope tomorrow it will start to ease away.

So selfish you feel to those around you, better of without you, because they hurt when you hurt another love another friend walks away because you did it all wrong, just trying to explain you. Wishing that you did not say what was said, or lashed out trying to explain that pain that mocks and slowly takes your whole life away.

1000 words I wish I could say, to make that better to take their pain away, to understand to love your heart feels torn apart, to take those moments, don’t hate me for my disease the one that consumes me, I am doing the best. Judge me but on my heart and how I am still even here today, fighting though I am in so much pain. Fighting so that we may have another day, I mean you no hurt, neither any harm, I know I am broken but you could fix me with your gentle arms.

Too those who are fighting, depression, heartbreak, or bipolar. Self harming, overdosing, drinking or just not eating through their lives, there is strength inside, look in the mirror, look in your eyes, if it is too late for me, remember the words I give you.

You are simply amazing for fighting through this, you are incredible for just even managing to breathe while all this is going on. One day peoples perception of mental illness will change, and that in part is thanks to you. You are stronger then you believe, because you are still here despite this pain, despite what you have to go through every day.

I just wish I could say sorry to those I pushed away, and those I hurt on my way. Your names inscribed on my soul, I will learn like I always do the hard way.

Another Way

Sometimes, doing even the simplest things seem beyond me, getting up, getting going. The worse I think was just pretending like nothing is wrong, like I was okay, because I was too ashamed to show any weakness to afraid how I would be judged how people would perceive me. I think in reflection it was two parts a certain amount of pride, and one part thinking “I am a man, I should be strong, I should not show weakness”. Of course fear of people not accepting how I felt, accusing me of attention seeking always played a big part, and yes still does.

The worse part for me was asking the doctors for help, for advice and being fed these tablets that quite honestly make you ten times worse before you get better, that numb your mind, so you feel like you have no grip on what is around you, like a zombie just existing, no one to talk to professionally because they had taken away that service, too much demand from men, that it was now only available to women (too quote my doctor).  

Have you ever been so low that the only escape the only hope, is knowing what you are about to do will mean no tomorrow, no new dawn, the only escape? The point where you feel (though no fault of there's I hasten to add) that you have been abandoned by those who you thought cared, that loved you. That knowing your death would be unmarked unnoticed, at least that is what you think in your mind.  

Your own self worth and value is so low, the pain as you sink through a bottle of pills the pain in the pit of your stomach knowing the end will bring a bitter sweet relief, that tomorrow will not come, that the only hope you have is it will all go away death will put you to bed, put that peace in your head, the only hope is that this time you have solved it all you have control over it, and it ends now.

You wake up cold confused, a sleep full of dazed dreams, and you know something I still remember every dream that night, the pain in your stomach remembering what has happened, you feel like it is day one unsure what to do. And god let me tell you, I still think every single fucking day (sorry for the swear) I should not be here.  

So why I am writing this? It breaks my heart, makes me sick thinking someone feels the same, I spent months, over a year after this “incident” on forums trying to help people who felt the same, every night not giving up on them, I could not even tell you there names, just screen names on a forum, I doubt deep inside they would remember me, but that isn’t the point, I just had too.

The point I am making and that we have to realise, is that there is always another way, I guess even now I do not trust myself, but know who to trust, and yes I hate to be a burden and to worry those who care, but caring is unconditional, do you not care about those closest? And worry too?

I have had moments of bliss, of hell, I have laughed and cried, I have loved and since I tried to die. But I tell you this I feel alive, good or bad, I am here, I am me, if this is too much do not read. If you want to hurt me, you cannot even touch me as much as I can hurt myself. And I tell you one more thing I will not give up fighting for people who think suicide is the only way out, because we all need a voice, and sometimes we are to weak we need someone there to scream for us. And it is okay, believe me it is more than okay to hurt and to think these thoughts, you just have to remember there is another way out.

There is always hope, I promise you I live by it every day, it is okay to dream because it is and makes us who we are. Remember dreams don’t always come true, but that one time they do, you will never forget. I am not saying I am fixed, I am not saying I am okay, I am just saying I am me, and maybe just maybe that is okay, because I am still breathing.

Calm zone pictures

Pictures from today's calm zone event in old street

Why Am I Here?

Last week I started a petition in the UK, to petition the government to do more about suicide rates in this country. Having survived several attempts myself, and spending many years on forums, listening and talking to people in a similar position, despairing at the lack of help and support. I decided quite simply to get proactive.

The statistics I found scared me, hurt me, and upset me. Being in that positions when all hope I believed had gone, feeling nothing but a pit of emptiness knowing in my heart of hearts that the world would be a happier stronger place without me, well I am still here, I don't like to count my chickens, and maybe I will be here longer. Even writing this stirs something in me, that I cannot explain, a feeling I should be gone, that I do not and should not belong here.

I tried to get help on many occasion, only for red tape and cutting of services to stop that, to be told the NHS was so overwhelmed they stopped the service the support I needed, is that right? No.

I am asking whoever is reading this within the UK to take 2 minutes, to sign this:

http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/47232


This is what I wrote on it:

Suicide rates have increased in this country, In 2011, the number of men and women under 30 in the UK who killed themselves hit a nine year high

This is directed at the Minster of Care & Support, Norman Lamb, to address and put in measures to help support and educate suicide prevention.

One death is too many, yet there is no awareness, no campaigns. In most instances something could have been done to stop someone ending their life.

To quote Mr Lamb

Mr Lamb said: "We have a complete responsibility to reduce the number of people taking their own lives.

"One suicide is one too many. It's this awful sense of the torment they must go through which means we have to give this a high priority."

It remains the biggest single killer of men in the 15 to 29 year old age bracket.

Let us hold him to his word.

I shall write more in the coming days, thank you for reading