Heroes

Heroes can sometimes if not all the time end up disappointing us, for me I always found comfort in those tortured souls that end up either dead, or in the papers causing some sort of trouble. It is in the news all the time, Glee, Justin Bieber, Amy Winehouse.

For me I grew up with the unhealthy influences of Kurt Cobain, Richy Edwards (Manic Street Preachers), these artists that sing out to us, in the midst of their own self demise. Hell let’s face it we all thought Pete Docherty would be dead by now right?

It is only in the silver fox moments of my life (yes another greying reference, I am getting over it), that I have to come to realise that the biggest hero, the one I admire the most has only been on this planet for three years.

Her name is Chloe she is my niece, and because of her, because of her unbelievable journey I have someone I can truly admire, and maybe in later years she will realise what she has done for me, maybe it is best if I start from the beginning.

In the midst of all my misery, and turmoil my sister prematurely gave birth to a wee girl, three pounds three ounces. As you can imagine a horrible time in a moment that should be embraced. For three to four months (I forget how long now time is irrelevant), I looked after her other four kids. Suddenly it was not about me, I had to be there.

Yes I cooked, yes I helped with the monsters under the bed, the tantrums, yes I struggled rang for constant advice – How does one get rid of the bogey monster, that bastard has been lurking around since my childhood.

And in all this, this tiny baby, this tiny life, a hand the size of my little finger defied the odds, grew stronger lived breathed, fighting for each moment, when selfishly months before I had wanted no more moments.

She left hospital and despite struggles as you can imagine, is healthy and obsessed with Minnie Mouse, and I cannot look up to her more. Because of her, because of what unfolded in front of me, I grew and am still growing, I am trying to build on the momentum of that moment. Not stuck in time, but stuck in trying to make the most of time.

Of course, yes I struggle we all do, and of course I do not see her enough. But when she is big enough, she will get the biggest thank you from an Uncle so damn proud I cannot even find the words.

Hope comes in the darkest moments, in the strangest forms and ways. Who are we to question the why, and what ifs but embrace that fragile moment that light flickers in the darkest corner of your mind. In that moment things change, and it is only when you reflect back, find time to pause you realise that is the moment things changed, a tiny life, a tiny light and things will never be the same again – this time in a good way.

So when we look around for our hero, maybe we should look closer to home. Look at why we are here still fighting, the inspiration may surprise you like it did me.

The Day I Filled The Dark With Stars

When I was young I could not imagine death of not living, my obsession grew and I lay awake at night imagining nothing, no one really to talk to or explain it all to me. I did not trust those in power because of certain factors I refuse to discuss in a public domain. So I filled this blank dark space with stars, and each star was alive with someone I loved, and slowly as I grew older the stars started to fill up and there was no blank space or stars, and as people filtered into my life only to leave again yet again I fill the black sky thinking of death as I always do, and I see stars and light shining way above me. And the silence you ask? well I simply fill that with music, so much music, sad songs, happy songs, strange songs, noises that fill every sense of your soul, and leaves you thinking, IF I am truly alone, how can someone create something that sings to my soul?

See there is never darkness around you, how could you possibly see the darkness if there was never any light? And tell me this if it is so quiet, if you too are alone with no one to talk too like me, no one to reach out too. Tell me why there is a song in your head soothing your soul, some forgotten gem that drifts into your mind. IF you truly fear the dark why can a stunning sunset draw a tear to your eye, we cannot possible never hurt, or cry, parts of us will die inside, the other parts they will fight for you, there is no tomorrow for any of us nothing in life is certain, but we have today and we have right now, and the ability within that not one of us can measure until it is needed.

The day maybe drawing to a close, you may like me be frustrated by it all, thinking what have I achieved, what have I done, I can answer without asking, you have lived today, you are breathing and that is inspirational in itself.

This was written a while back, but the sentiment remains. There is hope in living, however strained it is there, there are stars to guide you and music to love you, hope can consume you. Maybe Idealistic maybe not, what is certain is you have the here and now, and you will have love, and you will find that place, go gently forward because the past is not something you can change, but the future is yours to shape.

Remember.....

As a human race we hurt people, those we have loved, lost, cherished, even despised. The hardest part for me is realising someone who was once your world has now changed their mind, they dislike you resent who you are, even hearing those words can destroy your hopes and aspirations, how they inspire and spur you on in life.

The worse thing I have heard is not an insult, nor an abusive message just a simple I don’t like who you are, this was from someone who I looked up, loved, and respected who’s opinion meant so much to me, that I have to question whom I am, and what a bad person I must be for them to use those words of me.

It doesn’t matter how long ago they were said, or how my life moves on or not. Those words in an instant destroyed my confidence, filled me with further self-doubt, and set me back. I thrive of other peoples support, maybe that is being dependant but I feel we all do in some ways.

One day I hope to show them they are wrong, but in the darkest corners of my mind, I know quite simply they are right. There is no solution for this no remedy, but do me one favour, those you love and look up to, tell me once in a while, it could mean so much to them and their own battles.

You never know you may hear something in the future, someone saying the same to you. Because in a way the depressed, the one’s who battle the demons, we are the strongest of them all, as we fight every day, just to see a tomorrow, so maybe we don’t believe there is a future, but we are here and trying to make a difference, remember that please.

Just remember who you are, and how far you have come, when those around you are being so hard.

A Lesson Learned in Time

Sometimes you forget who you are you say things that your insecurities let out those tiny tiny voices in your head that nigggle away at you. Those can consume you with doubt, and of course you expect people to react to them how you would. I remember years ago being accused of cheating, somehow with patience and understanding I reassured that person it was utter bullshit. 

Sadly most sadly the same cannot be said for how they react. 

Then the little things get bigger of course they do, I often wonder god taught forgiveness why do I never see anyone religious forgive?

What does all this mean? Well I've lost a lot. My world has crashed in there is only so much one person can take, literally. 

So right now I'll ride that storm of depression one last time and see where it gets me 

Marking Your Passage In Time

We spend countless days questioning our purpose, we mark each week with the weekend, finishing work college or even uni. Friday drinks with friends to celebrate the end of yet another passage of time. The end of the month with payday, or completing that much delayed and rushed at 5 in the morning assignment. Each year that rushes by us with an anniversary of some sort, a birthday, Christmas, or even a birth or a death.

And that belies the issues, so often with depression or a mental illness we can feel disenfranchised from it, marking these events these moments can seem distant, society is moving forward, and we may be stuck on a place or time. Perceptions of the reality we live in so different, that gig, that sports event, that night out do different to us nothing but a distraction - reality slipping into the worlds we have created in our head sometimes a world that is there to keep is safe. 

There is something flawed marking that moments, watching us see time pass us by. Is it because it's too bigger concept for us to envisage as a race? 

To me marking time is like some geeky endeavour oh yes I remember that night 'Radiohead just released Ok Computer' or yeah sure I remember that summer I tried killing myself in the June'. Can moments be marked by memories of personal grief or triumph and not a need to celebrate the passing of our age. 

I turn 30 in August (22 if you must know!), people don't understand when I say I do not care for it. I am accused of being miserable (not true), old (semi true), or weird (definatly true!). The truth of the matter is I have no personal connection to my birthday, my life began three years not 30, it started the moment I survived that second over dose and swore to myself no more I can defeat that. Yet can I celebrate that openly, would the stigma and judgment spoilt that memory? Or do I have to stick with what society perceives to be the norm, stupid jokes about going grey (it's happening people) and having a mid life crisis ( had it at 19 middle of reading festival- well least til the acid wore off). 

I'm not asking for much but if people want to share my birthday of course I feel honoured and privileged to have those good friends, but can they not accept  I would rather remember that moment in time I got strong - I said no more will I wallow in that moment on the edge caught between life looking straight at death. Surely that's a new worthwhile achievement to mark?

One of my favourite things said to me recently which sums up this ramble in one sentance! 

"life feels pointless marked by false holidays you make your own life and your own landmarks" 

Truly truly so accurate