Marking Your Passage In Time

We spend countless days questioning our purpose, we mark each week with the weekend, finishing work college or even uni. Friday drinks with friends to celebrate the end of yet another passage of time. The end of the month with payday, or completing that much delayed and rushed at 5 in the morning assignment. Each year that rushes by us with an anniversary of some sort, a birthday, Christmas, or even a birth or a death.

And that belies the issues, so often with depression or a mental illness we can feel disenfranchised from it, marking these events these moments can seem distant, society is moving forward, and we may be stuck on a place or time. Perceptions of the reality we live in so different, that gig, that sports event, that night out do different to us nothing but a distraction - reality slipping into the worlds we have created in our head sometimes a world that is there to keep is safe. 

There is something flawed marking that moments, watching us see time pass us by. Is it because it's too bigger concept for us to envisage as a race? 

To me marking time is like some geeky endeavour oh yes I remember that night 'Radiohead just released Ok Computer' or yeah sure I remember that summer I tried killing myself in the June'. Can moments be marked by memories of personal grief or triumph and not a need to celebrate the passing of our age. 

I turn 30 in August (22 if you must know!), people don't understand when I say I do not care for it. I am accused of being miserable (not true), old (semi true), or weird (definatly true!). The truth of the matter is I have no personal connection to my birthday, my life began three years not 30, it started the moment I survived that second over dose and swore to myself no more I can defeat that. Yet can I celebrate that openly, would the stigma and judgment spoilt that memory? Or do I have to stick with what society perceives to be the norm, stupid jokes about going grey (it's happening people) and having a mid life crisis ( had it at 19 middle of reading festival- well least til the acid wore off). 

I'm not asking for much but if people want to share my birthday of course I feel honoured and privileged to have those good friends, but can they not accept  I would rather remember that moment in time I got strong - I said no more will I wallow in that moment on the edge caught between life looking straight at death. Surely that's a new worthwhile achievement to mark?

One of my favourite things said to me recently which sums up this ramble in one sentance! 

"life feels pointless marked by false holidays you make your own life and your own landmarks" 

Truly truly so accurate